Hope & Hopscotch

Two of Twelve... a sad 16%

SaeComment

Three of our embryos made it to blastocyst stage, but one of the didn't survive the biopsy. I'm heartbroken... two embryos. I worry, because we're only half way through this marathon. From here our little embryos still have to survive thawing, a PGS chromosone screen and implantation. 

It's an uphill battle, and epic uphill battle. I'm so scared that we'll never make it to the end, that we'll never have a family. That I'll genuinely never be able to have children. I do a lot of day dreaming, about the kind of life we'll lead if we're childless. Lots of travel, side hustles, fancy things. I'm trying to bring myself to place where it isn't scary or sad.

We'll see. I'm trying both to be hopeful, and realistic. The cognitive dissonance is hard. Needless to say, with every blastocyst we get our chances go up by several magnitudes.

I'm trying to wrap my head around doing another round. For the dieting, and the supplements, and the crazy no BPA, no phathlates, no inorganic, no diary or carbs or sugar. None of that. It makes me tired and want to cry a little bit. 

In the mean time, I'm well off the diet. Mac and cheese. Wine. Chocolate. I think I need to just sit for a while before we launch into the next round.