Hope & Hopscotch

Happy New Year

PersonalSaeComment
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The break has been nice, the downtime of eating whatever and finally, what feels like the first time in forever relaxing. Proper relaxing.

That doesn't mean not worrying about TTC, though. Zee and I have being fast and free with contraception. We're in that weird spot of trying not to worry, but worrying at the same time. That epic rollercoaster that happens month to month. We're not trying very hard. It's like we're giving ttc the side eye - I know ish when I'm ovulation. I don't say anything when we BD around that mark, and I know when AF is meant to show. 

We're not trying, but still have that weird moment of both relief and disappointment when AF shows up. 

Relief because our doctor wants to do another round of IVF. At some point. Some point this year. Maybe. Maybe we'll change some things. Maybe we won't. Maybe we'll transfer instead of freezing. Maybe maybe maybe.

Relief because there are so many things to do, and I'm still on the am I ready? Am I not? IVF originally was a back up plan, a just in case. I prepare for the future, but at this point, we've been on this journey for so long that the end goal seems less scary than it did a year ago. 

Disappointment because at the end of it, I want children. It's hard to see the single line on the test. 

We'll see. I'm trying to plan for other things this year, IVF occupied a large portion of my 2015. This year, I'd like to do more, see more. Create more.

Fingers crossed that this year is our year, right?