Hope & Hopscotch

Shock + Making Decisions

PersonalSaeComment

Nov 2014

So. It’s been a while since my doctor instilled this insane sense of urgency with procreating.

At first it was all of the shock. What do we do, what does this mean, how do I feel about it? How does Zee? What does it mean for us? And our future? Can we handle the logistics? Can we afford a child? What does it mean for all our dreams??

For a while there I wasn’t sure whether Zee was in this with me. Not because he wasn’t, but because that was my ultimate fear: that if I wanted a child of my own I might have to do it now and alone with a faceless donor. Oh fears, look at you with your big scary takeover-ness.

There was a lot of crying before there was talking, but eventually we had ‘conversation’ spurts. It was this really long conversation about everything that was going on over several weeks. It paused when real life (jobs, social events, other people) got in the way. Slowly the conversation moved from what do we do/why has this happened/what does this mean to should we get married/would one of us stay home and parent full time…

All of the questions, including a handful of plan type questions. Because somewhere in that ongoing conversation we decided. IVF? Freezing little blastocysts? Okay. Okay it’s scary, but let’s try that. We’ll make it our back up plan, freeze some blastocysts for later and call it Plan B. Plan B, we can manage that.

But let’s not get too hasty. There were a few moments where we’d emotionally backtrack. No, we can’t possibly do this now. I'm not ready. I can't possibly be a parent. I don’t want to talk about baby names *subject change*. I’m not in this, I’m not sure this is the right thing to do, the immense heavy future and commitment and oh, I just want to go back to drinking all the bubbles and dancing on bars again. This sense of ominous and heavy future decision making is hard.

It’s been a big back and forth, with all of the feelings. We’re doing this. We have a plan, and we’re planning for a family…

I’m freaking out. I feel like everything is moving so fast, fast forward future, here we come. A family.